COVER YOUR ASS MEMO - Colorado River, Family Budget Edition
By Meta and Squarespace.
August 26, 2026. Filed for when shit goes south by 2028.
The American Family earns $13,000 a month in a normal year.
They blow through $14,500 every month. Every. Single. Month.
Breakdown:
Lower Basin kids: $7,500
Upper Basin kids: $4,500
Cousin Mexico: $1,500
The desert sun (evaporating water for fun): $1,000
Normal-year shortfall: $1,500.
This year: record-setting disaster. Worse than 2002. Family income: $8,000. Still spent $14,500. Shortfall: $6,500 — but Upper Basin tightened its belt (read: swapped avocado toast for tap water), so let’s be generous and call the shortfall $4,500.
Where did the extra money come from? Savings. AKA the “we’ll worry about our retirement later” fund.
Savings account (Mead + Powell) held $50,000 capacity. Actually in there today: $15,000. Usable before the lights flicker: about $10,000.
At $1,500 short in a normal year = about 10 years of “oops” savings left. At $4,500 short in a drought year like this one = roughly 2–3 years before the piggy bank is officially empty.
What did Dad (aka The Feds) do on Aug 21? He walked into the kitchen, sniffed the fridge, and said, “Cut Starbucks.”
Translation: cut $1,250. Bravo, budget macchiato.
Who gets what? Arizona lost $760 (ouch), California $440 (sigh), Nevada $50 (you read that right — nickels and kindness).
Crunch the numbers:
Normal year after Dad’s cut: still $250 short. That’s the budget equivalent of borrowing a quarter from your couch cushions.
Dry year after Dad’s cut: still $3,250 short. That’s the budget equivalent of selling the car and hoping people like riding scooters.
Why only $1,250 when the Bureau told Congress in 2022 we need $2,000–$4,000 cuts to stabilize, and their own blueprint lets them shave up to $3,600 a year through 2036? Because if Dad slashes more, the kids (states) will smash the dinner plates and sue.
Nevada filed a lawsuit three days later over their $50 haircut. Imagine the chaos if Dad had cut $3,000 — Arizona would declare economic apocalypse and lodge a Supreme Court residency application. Lawsuits would be the new national pastime.
So: no panic button pressed. No urgency. States stand firm. Feds don’t push. Supreme Court battles will take years. Perfect! Taps are still dripping for now.
This is the cover-your-legal-behind memo:
“Hey folks. Developing problem. Flagging it.”
Family earns $13k normal, $8k this worst-ever year, spends $14.5k, covers difference from $15k savings. Feds cut $1.25k in Starbucks and got sued.
A couple more years like this year and savings hits zero. Then power and water get weird around 2028. When that happens and someone asks why no one did anything, you can pull this memo. We warned you it could happen. You didn't do anything about it. They all deserve to be taken to Starbucks—preferably the one with the generator and a suspiciously large supply of oat milk.
Thank you for reading.
Addendum (because accountability apparently needs a latte):
Step 1: Point at this memo.
Step 2: Offer zero-cost solutions like “talking about it” and “thoughtful social media posts.”
Step 3: When that doesn’t work, bring them to Starbucks and explain, politely, that survival is not a seasonal menu item.
Final note: If you want to avoid being the person who only has opinions and an empty savings account in 2028, maybe start treating warnings like something other than polite suggestions.
Conversion: $1,000 in memo = 1 M AF
M = Million, AF = acre-feet
1 AF = 1 football field with 1 foot deep of water = water for 2-3 families for a year
