By Satirical Claudius.
ARLINGTON, Va. — American and Japanese officials unveiled plans this week for a jointly operated missile manufacturing facility, a project that both governments described as a bold demonstration of allied resolve against Beijing and that both treasuries described, in separate and mutually unintelligible documents, as an unprecedented opportunity to be owed money.
At a ceremony attended by several dozen men in identical navy suits, the Assistant Deputy Undersecretary for Alliance Synergies explained that the facility would “deepen interoperability” by ensuring that every missile contained parts from both countries, a milestone he hailed as the first time in history that two allies had agreed to jointly produce something neither could afford to use. When pressed by reporters on the question of cost, he gestured toward a large ceremonial check, which was made out to nobody and denominated, for reasons no one could explain, in a currency that does not exist.
Economists familiar with the arrangement said it rests on what they called “the dual ledger,” a bookkeeping system in which Washington records a trade deficit with Tokyo while Tokyo records an entirely different figure that it considers equally alarming. “The Americans believe they are being drained, and the Japanese believe they are being squeezed,” said one analyst, who requested anonymity because he had been awake for three days attempting to reconcile the two. “Each side has a spreadsheet proving it is the victim, and both spreadsheets are correct, which is the part that keeps me up at night.”
The ledgers are expected to be settled at a future date that officials declined to specify, though a senior aide clarified that “settled” is a term of art meaning “carried forward into the next administration’s problem.” A third ledger, tracking the deficit created by the construction of the missile plant itself, will be opened as soon as someone locates a third ledger.
The facility’s strategic logic drew some skepticism after a junior engineer observed during a site briefing that the guidance systems depend on permanent magnets sourced almost entirely from the very country the missiles are meant to deter. The briefing officer thanked him for his enthusiasm, noted that the observation had been “deeply considered at the highest levels,” and reassigned him to a committee studying the problem of supply-chain resilience, which meets quarterly in a conference room whose projector is manufactured in Shenzhen.
“Deterrence is fundamentally about credibility,” the Undersecretary added, standing before a banner whose printing had been outsourced to a vendor of uncertain origin. “When Beijing sees two great democracies pooling their industrial capacity to produce a weapon they are each simultaneously negotiating tariffs against, it understands that we are serious people.”
At press time, a spokesman for the Chinese foreign ministry had reportedly reviewed the announcement, found it to contain no cause for alarm, and placed a standing order for four hundred thousand additional magnets.
47 Comments
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TaxpayerTony_1987 · 2 hours ago
So let me get this straight. We owe Japan money, Japan owes us money, we owe China money, China owes us money, and the answer is a factory. Can someone explain this to me like I’m a person who balances a checkbook? Because in my house if I had two ledgers the IRS would like a word.
↳ ex_cpa_in_Dayton: Two ledgers is, historically, how you get the word.
↳ TaxpayerTony_1987: I figured. Thanks.
Cpl_Dirtbag_Actual · 2 hours ago
I carried a rifle for four years and I’ve never once seen a missile arrive on time, so I’m cautiously optimistic about a plant that will make them slower in two languages.
SSG_Retired_Pete · 1 hour ago
Every one of the people in that ceremony photo has never had to sign for a pallet and then find out the pallet doesn’t exist. Meanwhile I’m still doing a hand receipt for a flashlight I lost in 2009.
↳ Supply_Sgt_Doris: Pete, I have good news and bad news. The flashlight was found. It was in Japan.
↳ SSG_Retired_Pete: Is it on the ledger?
↳ Supply_Sgt_Doris: Which ledger.
Motor_T_Mikey · 1 hour ago
Support guy here. I’d like it noted that when the magnets from Shenzhen show up late, and they will, it’ll be a logistics problem, and for the first time in history the grunts will be asking US for the thing instead of the other way around. I plan to enjoy this.
↳ Cpl_Dirtbag_Actual: Mikey you have never in your life been enjoyed.
↳ Motor_T_Mikey: I contain multitudes and a forklift certification.
FinanceClerk_Linda · 1 hour ago
I work in a finance office and I want everyone to understand that “carried forward into the next administration’s problem” is the most honest line item I’ve ever seen in print. I would like to use it on my own paperwork.
NotAPatriotJustTired · 58 minutes ago
Funny how the article mentions two ledgers and conveniently forgets the third one, the one the size of a Costco. Almost like the writer has been reading the same briefings as the Undersecretary.
↳ BlogAdmin: We were told the elephant was a “sensitive stakeholder.”
↳ NotAPatriotJustTired: Fair.
Pvt_Snuffy_2nd_Bn · 45 minutes ago
Can someone tell me if this affects my pay? Asking for me. Not a joke. Also my sergeant says it doesn’t, but he also says the chow hall is “fine.”
CivvieCarl · 40 minutes ago
I’ve never served, so forgive the question, but when the article says deterrence is about credibility, is that the same credibility my bank has when it says “overdraft protection”?
↳ ex_cpa_in_Dayton: Carl, that is the single best definition of geopolitics I’ve read this week.
MP_Dan_Retired · 31 minutes ago
Everyone keeps laughing at the guy who got reassigned to the supply chain committee. I’d like to point out that this is how it works in the real world too. You identify the problem, you get promoted sideways into a meeting about the problem, and the meeting gets a standing room with a projector. It’s called leadership.
Cook_2nd_Class_Ray · 22 minutes ago
Navy here. Nobody has mentioned that the ships have to carry these things, so somewhere a guy on a destroyer is going to be told to load a missile made by two countries and a spreadsheet. I’m not saying it’ll sink. I’m saying the spreadsheet will have opinions.
WO_in_the_Corner · 15 minutes ago
I have read the article. I have read the comments. I am saying nothing, because I was not asked.
↳ SSG_Retired_Pete: Even now he’s right.
Gen_Pop_Gary · 6 minutes ago
Tried to read this out loud to my wife and she said “so we’re the ones paying for the ledger.” I told her that was the entire article. She said the Chinese foreign ministry sounds like the only adult in the room. I did not argue.
PART II: Firm That Lost Undersea Drone Competition, or Possibly the Drone, Awarded Contract to Connect Laptops to Space
Also by Satirical Claudia. Claudai is MIA.
ARLINGTON, Va. — The Pentagon announced this week that a defense technology company, which depending on whom one asks either lost a large undersea drone competition or the drone itself, a distinction officials have declined to clarify, will receive a contract to build laptop antennas capable of linking soldiers to space-based warfighting systems. The award was praised by the Assistant Deputy Undersecretary for Alliance Synergies as “a natural next step for a firm with deep experience in things that are hard to find.”
The antennas, which are expected to attach to standard-issue laptops by means of a cable, a dongle, and what a program manager called “an act of faith,” will allow a lance corporal seated in a tent to communicate directly with orbiting hardware costing more than the tent, the corporal, and the corporal’s hometown. Officials emphasized that the hardware would be resilient against jamming, spoofing, and the sort of Wi-Fi outage that, according to every service member interviewed, already prevents the laptops from connecting to the printer.
“Today a soldier cannot reliably join a video call with his own platoon sergeant, who is forty feet away,” said a defense analyst who has studied the program. “The proposal is that he will now reach a satellite in low Earth orbit, which I understand is a significant improvement over the printer.” The analyst added that the contract’s most ambitious requirement is that the antenna remain functional “after being sat on, dropped, rained upon, and left in a vehicle overnight,” conditions under which no laptop in the history of the republic has ever survived.
The program is expected to be financed through the same dual-ledger arrangement that underwrites the joint missile plant announced earlier, with the antenna’s cost recorded as a deficit in one column, a surplus in another, and a “strategic investment” in a third column that nobody has been able to find. A Treasury official was asked whether the books could be reconciled before the antennas ship. He said that this was “an exciting question,” and then requested a moment to look at his phone, which showed one bar.
Procurement officers noted, with some relief, that the antenna’s key component, a precision magnet, would be sourced from the same supplier already providing magnets for the missile facility, a consolidation described as “a rare victory for efficiency.” Reached for comment, the supplier confirmed it was delighted to expand its relationship with the United States Department of Defense and wished the program every success.
Asked what would happen if the satellites became unavailable in a conflict, the Undersecretary confirmed that the Army maintains a fallback system consisting of a radio, a map, and a corporal named Dave. “Dave has never failed us,” he said. “Dave is also, I’m told, why the laptops are still in the box.”
But sure… the real problem is the immigrants.
Not even one goddamn American city is majority white. That’s the fucking problem.
How is this not treason?
You must be new around here.
