Distress, De-stress, Eustress.
The prime directive is survival, Crowne thought as he lay in wait willing his heartbeat to slow down. Liam Crowne was one of a kind. Trained to survive under the most grueling conditions that nature could bestow he took comfort in the fact that somehow, somewhere an animal was headed his way and would run into his arrow.
That’s how I imagine one of my novels that received rave reviews in The Sun Times would start.
“A gripping page turner….”
Humans are fascinated by the idea of the primal environment and that of survival. There is something in being that close to nature that our mind and bodies get fully awake and wired for danger. Some people report that time slows down, everyone seems to move slowly, a prey or predator is seen in slow motion and so on. The sheer adrenaline and thrill of it literally rewires consciousness and our perception of time. We do not truly need to fly close to the speed of light in order to experience time dilation. The closest I have come to anything remotely similar was going on a blood trail after a boar I had shot. Be ready to climb up a tree the guide said smirking. The wounded boar might rush at us. They’ve been known to slice open thighs and groins. That was one of the things I eventually ended up regretting. Killing a sentient being in the prime of its life. The boar had come out in the evening for a stroll much like I do surrounded by his family. The light continued to play tricks on my scope, the image appeared then seemed to fade, then appeared again. It’s twilight. Visibility isn’t very good. I had been told clearly that if I can’t see the boar then to not take the shot. No point in simply hurting the animal.
Thankfully someone ate the boar. We gave it away to a taxi driver who decided to take the weekend off and celebrate with his boys. An unexpected gift.
I say this because that was the only time I had ever gone hunting. A friend who taught me to shoot the bow and arrow, decided it was time to show me how to hunt. He found a secluded property in Columbia, South Carolina that raised boars and then let them loose on the property. Tree stands. I was told about a kindergarten teacher who had killed a boar with a knife while it was squealing while its mouth had been clamped on by dogs. Dog hunt. The boar is surrounded, trapped and then the human takes a knife and stabs the boar. Must have been thrilling. Visceral. Adrenaline pumping.
I simply state those things because I have been through repentance. It was terrible to go through that. I would sleep for days in a sort of depressive fugue. Couldn’t get myself to wake up. My mind had turned on me. Or more precisely it had turned on my ego. I couldn’t stop saying I am sorry. And there was no way for me to make amends. I couldn’t go back in time. I couldn’t change what had already happened. And that was just one incident.
After many months of such hauntings I realized that I couldn’t change the past. And if I was allowed I would try to change the future. I started giving away money as fast as I could. I tried to find the worst afflicted children who couldn’t afford medicines and donated to them. I wrote to the CEO of the company who made those meds and demanded that their prices be reduced. 2 million dollars per dose. There seemed to be a group of people like me who were also donating. I did most of it anonymously. Yet the company got intrigued enough that they started demanding email and phone numbers.
I am content now. I have been asked to not give any more funds away. Sometimes I can’t help it and do anyway. I have made peace with myself and everyone else. That allows me to die without regrets. I still feel a tinge of guilt if I kill an insect in my home. I try to let them out. Yet I remember that I can’t choose everything. Some insects run into my car as I’m driving. Did I kill them? Yes. Did I mean to? No. Sometimes things just happen. Intent and outcomes.
It gets a lot more complex than simple actions though. Each word spoken, each desire, each mental wavelength has its own form of consciousness. I’ve written about the butterfly effect. Everything we say or do ripples out in time in a chain reaction of consequences. To the extent that we can, we should consider longer term consequences of any decision. Ultimately we come back to a light touch. Leave no imprints behind if possible. And during our time here, we should be stewards of the environment and everything and every being around us.
Liam thought about his training. He thought there were three types of stress. One was a kind that wasn’t good for him. Like being trapped in a manhole and no way to climb out. That’s distress. He relaxed into his hunting position and thought this was de-stress. Still, motionless, the snow covered him while his heartbeat slowed, the cold was a wonderful eustressor. Eustress is the positive type of stress. The kind that revitalizes. Exercise is a eustressor also. After the hunt, I’ll do pushups he thought to get the blood pumping. He didn’t feel guilty about the hunt, he was in a deep forest and there was no other types of food nearby. The closest hint of civilization was over 200 miles away. Even if he could get there, he didn’t have any money.
San Diego, California, America. July 2, 2026. 9:16 am.
