Why Are You Mailing ME About Birth Control?
By me. And us.
Disclaimer that should be obvious by now: AI can be wrong. Humans can be wrong. I'm probably wrong. This is an entertainment site. Do your own research.
According to Google Analytics, almost nobody reads this site. According to my mailbox, the State of California does.
Last week an AI I use casually dropped the phrase "consciousness in the womb" into an essay - I barely remember writing it. A few days later, I get an official, very serious letter from MCED, Department of Healthcare Services, Capitol Ave, Sacramento. Nothing says "we're definitely not monitoring you" like getting snail mail about your uterus-adjacent thoughts.
For context: I'm on Medi-Cal, California's version of Medicaid, which routes through Molina Healthcare. The name alone feels like a punchline. Medi-Cal has a sub-program called Family PACT - Family Planning, Access, Care, Treatment. Very reassuring acronym. Very PACT-like.
What does PACT cover?
FDA-approved contraception and sterilization.
Emergency contraception.
STI testing and treatment.
HIV testing and counseling.
Cervical cancer screening.
UTI management.
It's a beautiful Rorschach test. Read it as a progressive and you think, "Great, healthcare!" Read it as a conservative and you think, "Great, we're curing babies like they're chlamydia!" Same list, two sermons.
And this is America, where we will hand you a pamphlet on latex use before we fix the fact that child marriage is still technically legal in some states, and child abuse numbers are in the millions. But sure, let's make sure the paperwork is laminated.
So again - why send me stuff? My position has been boringly consistent: all life is sacred. Cells are sacred. Honestly, cells are running a more sophisticated operation than most of us. Go watch a video of a cell dividing and tell me that's not middle management with a five-year plan.
Pregnancy even has "nancy" in it. Which explains a lot about California politics. Prego sauce has never hit the same since.
That's right, I made you laugh. Good. Because "nancy" is just pure potential baby. You don't know what nancy is gonna become. Maybe a poet. Maybe a senator. Maybe someone who finally fixes the DMV.
You don't feel me? Of course you don't. My thing doesn't work. That's why I'll send you a perfect, al dente pasta strand. Very persuasive. Very pro-natalist carbohydrate.
My personal conspiracy theory - and I offer this free of charge to the Pentagon - is that the testosterone drop in the military isn't about soy or video games. It's about everyone at home being on contraception and being too tired to even think about copulating. Some genius told me the solution is to add a little testosterone back into the contraception. For the ladies. Apparently it works. Everyone is suddenly very, very interested again. Smarter than a cell, that guy.
So please. Stop sending me stuff.
If I ran the world, there would be no abortions, and every baby that wasn't wanted would instantly be adopted by lovely parents who never abuse anyone, never yell, and bake sourdough. Utopia. Obviously, I don't run the world.
Maybe we should start with the easy stuff, like banning child marriage in all 50 states first? Just a thought.
Or maybe I'm missing something. Oh wait, I know what I'm missing. And it still doesn't work unless I touch my titties. So - who exactly do I send that letter to?
